Is this good?

I am only 13 yrs old and this is chapter 1 of my book.


It’s morning. The sun is peeking from the horizon. The spring air is fresh, and the grass is damp from the morning dew. The earth slowly awakens from the peaceful night before. Jake Clemons is always up in time to watch the sunrise. He’s up before the rooster crows.


He got dressed quickly to watch the sunrise. He put on his red shirt and some blue jeans. Everyone was still asleep so he had to be quiet. He tiptoed down the hallway. He passed Jamie’s room. Jamie was his 7 year old sister.


After he passed everyone’s rooms, he hurried down the stairs and out the door. He jogged towards the big red barn. He ran through all the hay and to the ladder leading up to the loft. He climbed up the silver ladder and jumped onto the loft. Hay was spread out throughout the loft. Jake crawled towards the loft window and opened it. Then he sprawled out on the hay and gazed at the sunrise.


Watching the sunrise was a good time for Jake to think, and get his thoughts together. It was his only moment of peace during the day. He couldn’t possibly think in the day with all the commotion from his little sister, and all the work that had to be done, there was just no time.


“Cock-o-doodle-doo!” the rooster cried. It was time to get back to the house and cook breakfast. Jake usually made breakfast because everyone was just waking up at the sound of the rooster.


This morning he cooked scrambled eggs, toast, and he heated up some leftover sausage from the morning before. Everyone got seated at the table. It was delightful meal and got the day started off.


His parents usually watched the news right after breakfast, and then they get ready for work. Apparently they left it on, because Jaime was watching it when they got done watching it. He flipped the switch to turn the TV off.


“Hey!” Jaime whined.


“Jaime, you shouldn’t be watchin’ this stuff. It gives you nightmares.” Jake had already gone through experience. A few weeks ago they were watching the news and it was talking about some guy who escaped from the county jail near Chester. Jaime couldn’t go to sleep that night because she thought he would come and get her while she was sleeping.


“Fine,” she scoffed.


As soon as she left the room, he turned it back on.


“There is currently a prison escapee on the loose. He stole the security guard’s keys and escaped. He goes by the name of Greg Richards.”


It showed a picture of the escapee. He had a brown buzz cut, a goatee, and his ear pierced. He had a tan. He looked to be in about his late 20’s. The news anchor continued with the story, “He was last seen driving a black Dodge Ram. If you have any information about this man, please call the police.”


“Jake, turn that off. You’ll probably have nightmares just like Jaime.” His mother was always comparing him to Jaime like that.


“Yes ma’am.” Jake turned off the TV.


His parents left for work about eight. They usually got home about 5:00. His mom worked at the grocery store as the manager and his dad worked at the local bank.


There was nothing to at the house. Jaime asked Jake if he could play a game with her. He didn’t mind but she wanted to play some of the stupidest games.


“Okay Jaime, what do ya wanna play?” Jake asked reluctantly.


“Let’s play hide and go seek!” Jaime shouted. Jake never argued against having to play hide and go seek. It was one of his favorite games. He usually let Jaime hide otherwise she would whine and cry.


They ended up playing hide and seek for hours. His parents finally arrived home. He could now go do something instead of playing with Jaime all day.


Jake figured he’d ride is bike. It was in terrible condition with worn out tires, red and rusted paint job, and the seat torn up. But he didn’t care. It was his only option to get away from the world. It made him feel free. He rode it everywhere around town. Of course the town was small enough to see everything in less than an hour on a bicycle.


The town was called Chester. It’s a population of about 1200 people. Chester has a bunch of old buildings from a long time ago. But most of those are abandoned. People just had a hard time keeping business in Chester. A whole bunch of people moved, which caused a lot of businesses to move, also.


As he was riding his bike, he heard some bells from a distance. Not like the bells you hear at Christmas time, but big bells. They made such a noise that the whole town could hear them. Maybe even the whole county.


He decided to check and see where the bells were coming from. He followed the sound of the bells. It took about 2 minutes to get to where they were. They were coming from some large brick building with a white steeple. At the top of the steeple, there was a small cross. What kind of building has bells, and a steeple with a cross? He wondered. He decided to take a look inside.


He walked down the aisle of red carpet. There were people sitting in long stretched pews. Everyone was dressed nice and elegant. He felt like an outcast with the raggedy clothes he had on.


“Excuse me, young man. Why are you wearing such clothes?” an older woman asked him. He tried to speak but words wouldn’t budge. He was embarrassed.


“Young man?” she said.


He ran to the back of room. As he tried to get out the door, a man spoke. Jake turned around and saw a man in the front of the room. This man was tall. He looked to be in his 30’s. He was wearing a white robe with a green stripe down the middle.


“Thank you everyone for being here tonight,” he said speaking through a microphone.


“I am the new preacher. My name is Dan Miller. I have recently moved here from Alabama, with my daughter, Carley, and my wife, Joyce,” he stated gesturing to his family in the front row.


Carley had shoulder length brown hair. She had the most amazing blue eyes Jake had ever seen. She looked nothing like her mom, Joyce.


Jake figured he would stay and listen what Dan had to say. He didn’t have to be home until 8 and it was only 6:45. He went and got seated in the last pew. He paid attention to this preacher as he spoke.


“God has a great amount of power. He is so big. He can do anything!” Dan exclaimed raising his hands in the air.


“Anything?” Jake whispered to himself.


Dan preached for the next hour about this God person. He said God was the man who created this very earth, and created us to live in it. Jake couldn’t wait to tell his parents about God.


Jake glanced at his watch. It read at exactly 7:56. Jake was supposed to be home at 8:00 sharp. Jake jumped on his bike and sped away. His house was about 1 mile out of Chester, so it took him about 10 minutes to get home, but at the speed he was going, Jake could’ve swore he got there in less than 5 minutes. He jumped off the bike and ran to the house. He got to the door, swung it open and ran inside. He tried to be sneaky. He didn’t want his parents to know he had come in late. He completely forgot about the door making a ruckus every time it closed. He raced to door to try to stop it from making the noise.


“Jake is that you?” his father had asked from the living room. Jake was so exhausted from the ride home, he could barely speak.


“Yes, dad,” he said panting.


“Where in the hell have you been, Jake? You were supposed to be home 5 minutes ago.” His father was really strict about being home on time. He wanted to say he was just outside for a bit, but he couldn’t stand lying to his father.


“I was at a church,” Jake said looking down at his shoes.


“A church? Why were you at this church?” his father asked him with and eyebrow raised.


“Well, I was listening to this guy talk about God,” Jake explained innocently.


“My gosh Jake! There is no God. People just say that so they can have something to believe in. Now go upstairs and finish your homework.”


Jake ran to his room and went to his bed. He lay there, thinking. His dad was usually right about stuff. Maybe there was no God. Maybe Dan was full of himself and didn’t know what he was talking about. He listened to a complete stranger and believed it. His dad was right, there was no God.


“Jake! Dinner is ready!” his mom called from downstairs.


He headed downstairs at the pace of a gazelle. He was so caught up in all this God stuff he almost forgot about his stomach. He sat down and as soon as he was about to attack the food, his mom smacked his hand.


“Not until everyone is seated,” she said as she was putting the food on the table. He looked around and everyone was seated, except his sister. He almost forgot about Jaime, who was still upstairs in her room.


“Jake, go upstairs and get your sister,” his mom ordered from across the table.


Jake rushed upstairs and headed towards Jamie’s room.


Her room was all pink. She had a pink bedspread, pink lamp, and a pink chair. Her room was also a mess. Toys were everywhere. There was so much clutter, that you couldn’t even see the floor.


Jake hopped everywhere around the room trying not to step on anything. He finally reached Jaime, who was playing with her dolls.


“Hey, sis. It’s time for supper,” he said tapping her on the shoulder.


“Okay,” she replied.


They both headed downstairs and got seated at the dinner table. Jake and Jaime sat across from each other. His mom and dad sat at the ends of the table like the queen and king in old medieval times.


Today’s dinner was his mom’s specialty, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes and gravy, and grilled pork chops. His mom sure did make a mean batch of mashed potatoes.


Jake could finally start eating since everyone was seated.


“So are you two ready for the first day of school tomorrow?” his mother asked.


“Yes ma’am!” Jaime called out.


Jake just sat there, not knowing what to say.


“Jake? What about you? Are you ready for school tomorrow?” his mother asked eyeing him from across the table.


“Uh. Yes ma’am,” he lied when the truth was he wasn’t ready for the first day of school.


Last year, his best friend moved away because his mom and dad got better jobs. It was a difficult time because he tried to make new friends but everyone ignored him. He hoped he would have better luck this year.


The dinner was so delicious. For dessert, they had homemade vanilla ice cream. Jake was so stuffed afterwards.


Jake cleaned up the dinner table and washed the dishes. Afterwards he went upstairs to his room.


His room wasn’t all decorated like Jaime’s room. It was more conservative. He just had off-white walls with the occasional artwork that Jaime had drawn for him on them.


He grabbed his notebook and an ink pen from his desk. He got on his bed and began writing. Writing was Jake’s passion. He could write about absolutely anything. He always carried his notebook and his pen in case anything that came to mind, he could write down. He glanced at his watch. It read 9:27. Jake figured he’d get to bed at a decent hour. He put his notebook and pen under the mattress. Then he turned off the lights and went to bed.

Is this good?
It's a good start. I suggest making the sentences less choppy. You could possibly blend them in together more than having a ton of small statements. But good job! :)
Reply:There's no way I'm gonna read that now; I have enough reading to do. But if I finish I'll read this. But I read a sentence and it said "the dinner was so delicious" it sounds kinda dry and robotic
Reply:WOW





That is a lot to read. Are you sure you don't want to put this in the heavy readers section?
Reply:Sounds really good! You're talented!!!
Reply:Sorry, I can't read. It's too long.
Reply:i want more!! encore encore!!!! i will give u a star but u must send me more!
Reply:My god, you sure write alot!


Its good but not really a genuine story, more like an adaptation from R.L Stein
Reply:ha they blocked the c.o.c.k in “****-o-doodle-doo!”
Reply:Honestly? For your age that is good, but you need to open the first paragraph with a bit more 'umph' - it starts without catching the reader's attention, it's too wishy-washy.





Other than that, you've done a real good job with it, plenty of descriptive writing, not overly chatty between the characters.





If this is the chapter in it's entirety, read through it again and tidy it up a little and make it flow - too many small sentences, where other punctuation would have been a better choice.





Keep it up, you have talent.
Reply:Keep at it babe, you're on to something there!
Reply:Too much to read, toots.
Reply:That's a really good start. Some of your sentences are too choppy, somebody already mentioned that though. Work on some transition sentences and you'll be in good shape.


What you also have is too much going on in a little space of time. The ideas in the first chapter could be expanded to have more content and become two.





It's really funnny. There's a Chester near where I live and there's a state prison there! Kind of ironic...





But keep writing. You are on to a good thing here.
Reply:wow a novel.......a star for that kind of effort
Reply:sounds good so far keep up the good work!



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