Laila Smith sighed happily as she flopped down in the long grass of the park. She giggled uncontrollably as her Maltese puppy, Max, licked her face and gave her a wet, sloppy kiss. Max trotted off after a solitary butterfly, as Laila thought about her last amazing dream. She was wandering through the Shadow Forest with Max, when an evil witch dressed completely in blue swooped down, stole Max from Laila’s clutches and flew off with him, cackling. Laila had been left crying, scared and confused but also swamped with worry. Laila’s dreams had a habit of coming true, and she had been worried about taking Max to the park (which the Shadow Forest bordered) terrified that her dream would become a horrifying reality. However, she concluded that it would be safe to take him there if she watched Max constantly and never wandered into the forest.
A long, loud bark snapped Laila from her thoughts and she abruptly realized that she had no idea where Max was. She leapt to her feet and sprinted to the other end of the park and back, all the while screaming, “Max! Maaaaxy! Come here boy!” but to no avail. A glimpse of white deep in the forest caught her eye, and her mind immediately flicked back to her dream. She raced into the forest after the white speck, hoping with all her heart it was Max. She didn’t realize how far she had gone into the forest and that she had lost Max’s track, but a short yap from the West set her back in the right direction. She ran for what seemed like hours until she saw Max lying down on the forest floor. She leant down and scooped Max up in her arms and squeezed him so tight he couldn’t breathe. “I thought I’d lost you,” she whispered tearfully into his soft fur. She was relaxed at last, and had forgotten about her dream. But a rustling in the treetops and a glimpse of a broomstick brought it to the front of her mind. She quickly turned and tried to race to the edge of the forest, but the dense trees blocked her view in every direction. All of a sudden she heard a cackle and Max was lifted from her arms.
“No, no! I won’t let him go!” Laila cried to herself, trying to be strong. She held on to the puppy’s legs tightly while he was rising into the sky. Max was whimpering, but Laila held on. The witch finally appeared and fired spells through a long, blue, bony finger with a cruel look on her face. Laila dodged the lights of red, green and blue. The hideous witch tried to take a new perspective and flew into the air on a sleek broomstick, swaying this way and that and zooming everywhere. The witch thought that she had vapourized Laila, as she continued to fly up and up, climbing higher and higher. Laila’s stomach was in her throat but she held on, and with every swift movement the witch made, she inched slowly and carefully up Max’s legs, until she was clutching his tiny body, then she swung her body up and climbed onto the back of the very long broomstick. The witch did not seem to realize that Laila was still accompanying her, so she flew on, up into the clouds. For 15 minutes they flew over vast, green pastures until they came to an ocean so black and mysterious it sent chills down Laila’s spine. In the middle of the ocean was a large grey castle surrounded by thick black gates, nestled on top of a small island.
Unanticipatedly, the witch dived down towards the castle; she was going so fast Laila wondered whether she would stop before crashing into the sea. Surprisingly the witch stopped and spoke in a deep, cackly voice. “The feet of those who are not invited will never walk this land. This pooch will come through followed by her majesty myself.” As the gates creaked open loudly, a wind picked up. Dead leaves flew eerily over the ground, while the witch flew through the gates. Laila fell to the ground. “Of course I can’t get through, I’m uninvited!” She then had to think of how to get into the dreaded castle.
Every step Laila took she seemed to fall over and the ground was hard and bare. At one stage she nearly fell right over into a pool of quicksand that appeared to come out of nowhere, but dodged it just in time. When she glanced back at the quicksand it had disappeared. Then something came back into her brain “The feet of those who are not invited will never walk this land.” At once Laila took in that the land was out to kill her, ordered to do so by the witch’s spell. She had to think quickly, crouching on a rock and jumping to different spots. “If I can’t walk on the land then I need another way to get in” Laila thought. “Of course, the gates!” She ran as fast as she could without falling into any of the traps. Dodging a ground volcano, she caught on that the gates weren’t that far away. She heard angry footsteps and whipped her head around to face an ugly green goblin with a look of fury on his face. “What are you doing on the great lord’s land!?” He screamed in a surprisingly high-pitched voice. The earth turned to quicksand underneath Laila’s feet as she tried to run from him. She thought about giving up but then she saw the gates, metres away. A cold, wet, slimy substance sucked her foot deep into the ground and she screamed out in pain as her shoe was ripped from her foot.
What do you think of the start of my shortish story? I am only 14, but please comment! =D?
Honestly I thought it was slightly confusing.
And it seemed that you were very focused on details, which is good. But like most things cant be forced in all at once, and that's what it felt like you were doing at times. The reader definitely felt like they were in the story , I am presuming this was your goal, but it seemed like you needed a certain amount of words and went back in and added some adjectives here, and an ut of place sentence there. Overall though it is a pretty good story
Reply:Wow thats good!!! i need to know the rest i need closure!!!
Reply:wow! its brilliant .wheres the rest of it??i wanna read it.
Reply:How old you are is not as significant as it is to decide who is going to read the story!You write very well but,keeping the target readers in mind,the diction will have to be modified.You do possess the literary fire,but exaggeration beyond need,or inhibition to run through quickly can spoil the show.God bless you.Rajasir.http://www.raja-ocean.blogspot.com and http://www.sirji-bookworld.blogspot.com
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